Thursday, May 18, 2017

I just don't know

Everything seems to rise and fall around Husbands 'sexual addiction.'

I have been invisible for years. 9 to be exact. My thoughts. My actions. My dreams. Invisible.

Even now, all the recovery programs for women are to learn about the Husband's addiction and how their problem isn't about us, but instead how we can support our husbands though this difficult time of recovery. To learn about the workings of an addicted brain and why pornography or sexual addiction is just like an addiction to heroin and how we should deal with our Husbands as any other sort of addict.

Meanwhile I'm sitting over here with betrayal trauma and PTSD caused by his sexual addiction on my own. Tiptoeing around his mood swings, carefully wording requests so he doesn't feel attacked, withholding questions so he doesn't feel attacked, not explaining myself so he doesn't feel belittled, or trying to understand why he did or didn't do something because my therapist and our marriage counsellor express the importance of empathy and I'm trying my hardest. But then he can't understand why I can't get out of bed in the morning without the aid of 200mg of caffeine and even then sometimes that isn't enough. Or how it literally takes all my energy to get dressed and be in my kids' classrooms to try and be present in their lives so when he comes home you'd better believe I'm past exhausted, the dishes are still dirty in the sink...from two days ago...and the laundry is maybe washed (I'd better be recognized for that if it happens) but not folded...and I most likely am back in bed, but I damned well did the best I could because the voices in my head told me to forget it all because I'm not worth it. Because HE cheated on me with a screen, but he's an addict so it's different than a love affair because his brain has been transformed and it's not about me.

But all that doesn't seem to be important. It appears I'm not trying. And I'm lazy. Even though it took literally EVERYTHING I had to do the smallest thing.

I just don't know folks. I just don't get it. I just don't have the energy in me to be all that empathetic while he gets to sweep everything under the 'addict' rug and pretend like he didn't pick a screen over his wife and then get mad at me for having depression and treating it like its a huge burden to him.

I just don't know.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

It's been awhile

Image result for dandelion puff ball

I've thought a lot about this blog over the last several months and have wanted to post thoughts, but I sunk into a pretty deep depression, and it's been more than difficult to get up to get the kids to school then home to sleep until I have to pick them up again. So the effort to put words into a computer was too much. All energy I had, went into the kids, and even energy I didn't have. My kids are amazing.

With the help of a nutritionist and a neurologist and a psychologist, I am working toward not sleeping every day away, and I have at least one, sometimes two productive days a week now.

Husband and I have been seeing a counsellor. It's been hard. She said something yesterday "I wonder if perhaps fixing a house and fixing a marriage is too much." And she might just be right. She's been good. Slow for me, because I just can't handle much. I've been broken. I have felt my spirit and my heart and my mind break.

We saw the house as a symbol of fixing our marriage. And as we worked together on the house and fixed it, our marriage would also heal...symbolically I guess.
It's not.

We are further apart than when we started. With toxic in-laws and their narcissistic and emotional and psychological abuse, Husband's pornography/sexual addiction and my spiral into a dark depression it is a fight to even care let alone thrive.

So, I'd love to start back into blogging. It may be slow and pretty unremarkable and insignificant.

But, I'm hopeful (like a fool...) that we've hit the bottom (again) and we are on our way up.

Fingers crossed.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Technology's great...Except for when it's not

For some reason, my computer only allows me to access my iphone and its pictures occasionally. I sit down to blog a few times a week, only to not be allowed to access my pictures. It doesn't even acknowledge my phone. So...any tech-y advice is welcome. Otherwise. I apologize for the insanely sporadic posts. In the meantime, enjoy this teacup pig. Because who can be frustrated with technology when there's a teacup pig?

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Musing #55--Crockpot Sweet and Sour Meatballs

I can't even tell you how much I love the crockpot. I search years for a meatball recipe. The gooey sauce kind. I could only find the grape jam kind and I tried it several times hoping that a different bbq or a different jam would make the difference. It didn't. It wasn't the deliciousness I was hoping for. Then BOOM! In my recipe book from my mom of all her favorite recipes there was a sweet and sour meatball recipe that had been there all along. I had had this baby for over 10 years and in my search never thought to look where all great things come from--my mom.
Oh well. I have it now. And now you do too.
The kids call these 'The Special Meatballs' and will down more than is probably healthy. They're good. I promise.

1C Ketchup
1C Water
1/4C Brown Sugar
1/4C Worcestershire Sauce
1/4C Vinegar
1T Celery Seed
1t Chili Powder
1t Salt
1/8t Pepper
few drops of Tabasco (We leave this out...I never have it and I don't think the kids would enjoy them as much...)

Put on top of frozen meatballs in crockpot. Cook on low for 6-8 hours.
(I use Italian meatballs)

Serve over rice


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Musing #52--Sometimes You Have to Take Matters into Your Own Hands

There is nothing to bring you out of a funk like kids. I mean seriously. How can things be grumpy or negative when you come out to a contraption like this because Dale was thirsty and you were helping Chip.
Why would he get a cup when it could be so much more interesting.
The perfect jumpstart to make things more fun and interesting in life and get out of this spiral.
(I can't stop laughing at his creativity)

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Musing #51--Pornography, Second to a Screen

Today I went to the dentist. The sweet hygienist told me I needed to get a gig as Ariel, because not only was my red hair perfect, but I was one of the nicest people she'd met.
I thanked her for her kind comments, but was inwardly thinking--you don't know me very well. Santa's bringing us a punching bag for Christmas for all my pent up spitfire.
This isn't the first time I've been assigned a life of talking animals, singing instead of talking, and swirling butterflies from kind-meaning people. It happens more than you think.

Anyway, my point being, I appreciate that. I try really hard to be kind. But then I retreat in my head, and there's a lot of confusion and anger. Husband gets the brunt of a lot of it. But then again, I feel like maybe, along with his parents, he's created a lot of it.

I've debated whether or not to go into this, because once it's out there, it's out there. But much of my mind has been on this lately, so I guess I'll go into it.

I took my ring off a year ago. My beautiful ring. It wasn't large or overly flashy, but the setting was magnificently lovely, and perfectly unique, I loved my ring. But I refused to wear it for another minute. It meant nothing anymore...merely a chunk of white gold and diamonds.

Sure. It had to do with the spiraling of Husband and I. But when Husband came to me and told me he had been addicted to Pornography for 7 years of our marriage, I looked at my ring, and all it symbolized was a lie. It's perfect loveliness was demolished. Those diamonds turned back into coal within an instant and I was sickened by it. I would look at family pictures over that seven year period and feel nauseated. Memories I had thought were so happy. Were now tainted with a sheen of blackened filth.

My heart shattered. Our already tipping marriage was broken. And I took off my once beautiful ring.

Had we not been clear across the country and me with no friends or family (the people living around us were all team Husband's parents--under their manipulation and facade) I would have taken the kids and left. As it was, we separated within the house and (whether for right or wrong) acted fine for the kids (we couldn't fool them...they are way too perceptive...but we tried anyway), to not add to their mounting struggles from the Narcissistic Abuse from Husband's family. And we prepared to get away as a family and see if we could pick up the shattered pieces or if it was better to go our separate ways.

I could face the abuse. I had had a boyfriend in high school who was psychologically abusive. And apparently I'm a good target for it. In my research, I'm learning I'm too empathetic and they prey on that...Awesome.

I studied abuse, I knew how to combat it now.

I didn't know how to face or deal with a husband who had lied, and been unfaithful to me for seven years. I didn't know how to mend a pulverized heart. I already didn't trust easily...and now... I didn't know how to do that either.

The guilt and stupidity of seven years ate at me. I pushed it away and protected my family from abuse.

The anger and bitterness at his selfishness burned in me. I tamped it down and I protected my family from the abuse.

Worthlessness and ugliness swallowed me, I masked it and protected my family from the narcissistic abuse.

It's been over 5 months with no contact with the abusers. My kidlets are safe. They are happy. They are healthy. They are thriving. And that guilt, stupidity, anger, bitterness, worthlessness, and ugliness that I couldn't face has nothing to be second in priority to and is swallowing me whole.

I check Husband's phone, email, facebook--1)because I don't trust him, and 2)because if I find anything, ANYTHING abusive from them, I can focus on that...I don't have to face this soul-crushing thing that I didn't have the guts, ability, or knowledge to face before.

He's been 'clean' or whatever for over a year...but now as I try to heal this part of our broken family I'm at a roadblock. How do I move on from being second to a screen?
Image source

Friday, November 4, 2016

Musing #50--Finally! I needed a brain break...

Whew! We made it to a '10.' Which can only mean one thing.

LAME MEMES! To hopefully bring a smile to someone's face...more hopefully yours.

The rules of my game are I go on Pinterest and the first 10 things to make me smile, chuckle, giggle, or possibly laugh out loud get posted.

So sah ich aus, als @Tamy1403. mich auf eine Achterbahn bewegte. Sie: Freu. Ich: Angst.:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahhaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah! My stomach hurts!:

30 Funny Animal Memes <a class="pintag" href="/explore/Animals/" title="#Animals explore Pinterest">#Animals</a> <a class="pintag" href="/explore/Funny/" title="#Funny explore Pinterest">#Funny</a> animals                                                                                                                                                     More

Monday Memes: Let It Go - My No-Guilt Life @geekgirl8 haha grumpy cat hates frozen!::

So if it is sugar free what is in that pack :O - epic fail sugar bag with no sugar sign haha:

30 Funny Pictures for Today If You'd like, click the link to see more like this:

funny animal memes, animal pictures with captions, lolcats                                                                                                                                                     More

Nerd Out On 28 Funny Pictures Check more at

Really funny Tumblr memes that get dogs just right : theCHIVE:

Again...there's no rhyme or reason to any of it. I just sometimes need to laugh...or just smile...or chuckle. Whatever it is. I hope one of them at least lifted something in you for a moment. Life gets heavy sometimes.

Have a beautiful day!