Monday, November 21, 2016

Technology's great...Except for when it's not

For some reason, my computer only allows me to access my iphone and its pictures occasionally. I sit down to blog a few times a week, only to not be allowed to access my pictures. It doesn't even acknowledge my phone. So...any tech-y advice is welcome. Otherwise. I apologize for the insanely sporadic posts. In the meantime, enjoy this teacup pig. Because who can be frustrated with technology when there's a teacup pig?

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Musing #55--Crockpot Sweet and Sour Meatballs

I can't even tell you how much I love the crockpot. I search years for a meatball recipe. The gooey sauce kind. I could only find the grape jam kind and I tried it several times hoping that a different bbq or a different jam would make the difference. It didn't. It wasn't the deliciousness I was hoping for. Then BOOM! In my recipe book from my mom of all her favorite recipes there was a sweet and sour meatball recipe that had been there all along. I had had this baby for over 10 years and in my search never thought to look where all great things come from--my mom.
Oh well. I have it now. And now you do too.
The kids call these 'The Special Meatballs' and will down more than is probably healthy. They're good. I promise.
















SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE
1C Ketchup
1C Water
1/4C Brown Sugar
1/4C Worcestershire Sauce
1/4C Vinegar
1T Celery Seed
1t Chili Powder
1t Salt
1/8t Pepper
few drops of Tabasco (We leave this out...I never have it and I don't think the kids would enjoy them as much...)

Put on top of frozen meatballs in crockpot. Cook on low for 6-8 hours.
(I use Italian meatballs)

Serve over rice

YUM!















































Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Musing #52--Sometimes You Have to Take Matters into Your Own Hands


There is nothing to bring you out of a funk like kids. I mean seriously. How can things be grumpy or negative when you come out to a contraption like this because Dale was thirsty and you were helping Chip.
Why would he get a cup when it could be so much more interesting.
The perfect jumpstart to make things more fun and interesting in life and get out of this spiral.
(I can't stop laughing at his creativity)

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Musing #51--Pornography, Second to a Screen

Today I went to the dentist. The sweet hygienist told me I needed to get a gig as Ariel, because not only was my red hair perfect, but I was one of the nicest people she'd met.
I thanked her for her kind comments, but was inwardly thinking--you don't know me very well. Santa's bringing us a punching bag for Christmas for all my pent up spitfire.
This isn't the first time I've been assigned a life of talking animals, singing instead of talking, and swirling butterflies from kind-meaning people. It happens more than you think.



Anyway, my point being, I appreciate that. I try really hard to be kind. But then I retreat in my head, and there's a lot of confusion and anger. Husband gets the brunt of a lot of it. But then again, I feel like maybe, along with his parents, he's created a lot of it.

I've debated whether or not to go into this, because once it's out there, it's out there. But much of my mind has been on this lately, so I guess I'll go into it.

I took my ring off a year ago. My beautiful ring. It wasn't large or overly flashy, but the setting was magnificently lovely, and perfectly unique, I loved my ring. But I refused to wear it for another minute. It meant nothing anymore...merely a chunk of white gold and diamonds.

Sure. It had to do with the spiraling of Husband and I. But when Husband came to me and told me he had been addicted to Pornography for 7 years of our marriage, I looked at my ring, and all it symbolized was a lie. It's perfect loveliness was demolished. Those diamonds turned back into coal within an instant and I was sickened by it. I would look at family pictures over that seven year period and feel nauseated. Memories I had thought were so happy. Were now tainted with a sheen of blackened filth.

My heart shattered. Our already tipping marriage was broken. And I took off my once beautiful ring.

Had we not been clear across the country and me with no friends or family (the people living around us were all team Husband's parents--under their manipulation and facade) I would have taken the kids and left. As it was, we separated within the house and (whether for right or wrong) acted fine for the kids (we couldn't fool them...they are way too perceptive...but we tried anyway), to not add to their mounting struggles from the Narcissistic Abuse from Husband's family. And we prepared to get away as a family and see if we could pick up the shattered pieces or if it was better to go our separate ways.

I could face the abuse. I had had a boyfriend in high school who was psychologically abusive. And apparently I'm a good target for it. In my research, I'm learning I'm too empathetic and they prey on that...Awesome.

I studied abuse, I knew how to combat it now.

I didn't know how to face or deal with a husband who had lied, and been unfaithful to me for seven years. I didn't know how to mend a pulverized heart. I already didn't trust easily...and now... I didn't know how to do that either.

The guilt and stupidity of seven years ate at me. I pushed it away and protected my family from abuse.

The anger and bitterness at his selfishness burned in me. I tamped it down and I protected my family from the abuse.

Worthlessness and ugliness swallowed me, I masked it and protected my family from the narcissistic abuse.

It's been over 5 months with no contact with the abusers. My kidlets are safe. They are happy. They are healthy. They are thriving. And that guilt, stupidity, anger, bitterness, worthlessness, and ugliness that I couldn't face has nothing to be second in priority to and is swallowing me whole.

I check Husband's phone, email, facebook--1)because I don't trust him, and 2)because if I find anything, ANYTHING abusive from them, I can focus on that...I don't have to face this soul-crushing thing that I didn't have the guts, ability, or knowledge to face before.

He's been 'clean' or whatever for over a year...but now as I try to heal this part of our broken family I'm at a roadblock. How do I move on from being second to a screen?
.amen:
Image source

This journey has been a lonely one. I'd love to journey with friends. Please follow this blog or you can follow me on facebook and we can journey together. Whatever you are going through (everybody has their stuff). Let's journey together.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Musing #50--Finally! I needed a brain break...

Whew! We made it to a '10.' Which can only mean one thing.

LAME MEMES! To hopefully bring a smile to someone's face...more hopefully yours.

The rules of my game are I go on Pinterest and the first 10 things to make me smile, chuckle, giggle, or possibly laugh out loud get posted.


So sah ich aus, als @Tamy1403. mich auf eine Achterbahn bewegte. Sie: Freu. Ich: Angst.:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahhaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah! My stomach hurts!:

30 Funny Animal Memes <a class="pintag" href="/explore/Animals/" title="#Animals explore Pinterest">#Animals</a> <a class="pintag" href="/explore/Funny/" title="#Funny explore Pinterest">#Funny</a> animals                                                                                                                                                     More

Monday Memes: Let It Go - My No-Guilt Life @geekgirl8 haha grumpy cat hates frozen!::

So if it is sugar free what is in that pack :O - epic fail sugar bag with no sugar sign haha:

30 Funny Pictures for Today If You'd like, click the link to see more like this: http://dummiesoftheyear.com/30-funny-pictures-for-today-8/:



funny animal memes, animal pictures with captions, lolcats                                                                                                                                                     More

Nerd Out On 28 Funny Pictures Check more at http://8bitnerds.com/nerd-out-on-28-funny-pictures-2/:

Really funny Tumblr memes that get dogs just right : theCHIVE:

Again...there's no rhyme or reason to any of it. I just sometimes need to laugh...or just smile...or chuckle. Whatever it is. I hope one of them at least lifted something in you for a moment. Life gets heavy sometimes.

Have a beautiful day!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Musing #49--What Narcissistic Abuse Does

In my pit of despair (Is that from Princess Bride?) I've been trying to figure out what is causing it all.

Sure our roof has to be replaced and isn't covered by home warranty or insurance...it never is. The sellers were crooks and covered things up beautifully.

Sure we were victims of identity theft recently.

But really, what was at the root of my spiral. And it all leads back to this feeling of worthlessness that is really instilled by the discrediting of Husband's parents and thereby believed by Husband for so long. That when he tries to say otherwise now, I don't believe him. I don't know if he believes him. At the moment...we are at odds. So, it's hard to believe words.

So, I am trying to understand Narcissistic Abuse even MORE. To get this awful feeling to go away.

I'm reading legit books for sure. But these sure sum up all the research really well:

Educate yourself. A recovery from narcissistic sociopath relationship abuse.:
link to source

A part of her heart...:
link to source

if a man expects a woman to be an angel, he must create heaven for her, angel's don't live in hell:
link to source (link was broken when I found it)

Nikita Gill …:
link to source

Narcissistic Grandparents - great blog: http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/:
link to source

We'll stop there for now. Just some things that have been on my mind. As my mind swirls, so do my words. These are short and to the point.

Narcissists suck, and their abuse lingers, even after they are cut out. Cut them out as soon as you suspect something. You can always ease them back into your life as you are ready and prepared to do so, and fully aware of who and what they are. But do not allow them to tear you apart, then deal with the aftermath and try to figure it out as you go. Cut them out, figure it all out, and if you choose to, let them back in on your terms. (But I wouldn't recommend it. Narcissists don't change. Not for anyone.)





Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Musing #48--Purpose Spiraling

I've been having a hard time finding a purpose lately.

This isn't one of those inspiring posts that goes viral because it makes everyone feel their own individual purpose as they read it.

I'm really soul searching. And coming up short.

I do the dishes (sometimes)--because that's hygienic. I do the laundry (usually)--because we need clean clothes. But beyond that, who am I really?

My kids roll their eyes at me more often than not.

Husband is frustrated because my dreams for the house exceed his income. So I dial it in and he's frustrated at me because I'm not telling him what I want.

I don't contribute financially so I feel guilty anytime I spend anything--including for groceries.
Husband tells me to not worry about it. Then the next day he's telling me we're going to be in the red. How am I not supposed to worry about that? I spent the money! And didn't contribute to it!

Husband says I'm teaching the kidlets invaluable things, but then in the middle of my 'teaching' he'll roll his eyes, get frustrated at me for being to hard on them, or swoop in to save them, or tell me to ease up, or he'll finish sweeping the floor instead of letting them learn to use the broom so that next time it's an even bigger fight.

It's just this string of words for my actions, but then actions against all the words. I'm so confused about how I really fit in here.

Meanwhile, a constant string of taunting, condescending attacks on my character run through my mind minutely from Husband's parents. Husband doesn't want to hear it. He's blocked them from his mind.

I just don't know.

And thus we enter a spiral. I'll try not to post while in this spiral...it's pretty annoying to read someone spiraling. Hopefully, I can post when I figure out how to climb out of the spiral and have some great insights of how I climbed out. Timeline unknown. It's usually a spiral down and a steep and winding staircase up...takes a lot longer to get out of it than it does to get in it.




Friday, October 28, 2016

Musing #47--Cereal for Dinner

Cereal you guys. We had cereal for dinner.
Husband was working late, and it had been that crazy of a day.

I'm totally fine with crazy days. I think crazy days are wonderful. They show life is being lived and usually productive.

What's getting me right now, as I look around at the dishes undone, and the house a disaster. It doesn't matter that I wasn't home for more than two minutes. I hear Husband's parents in my head...not talking to me...that would be gushy, fluffy, veiled, manipulative crap. But as soon as Husband walks in the door I hear them pounce on him. And, though still gushy and fluffy...not so veiled, ripping me to shreds to him and with a disaster house and cereal for dinner to back them up...I don't have much of a case.

They are constantly in my head. This is my struggle right now. After 10 years of abuse, they aren't currently in our lives except for the occasional letter they send via my parents address, but their abuse is alive and well and constant in my head.

Husband has the uncanny ability to just turn it all off. Which is probably why he didn't turn into one of them. Why, he behaved as he did due to culture, but it wasn't who he was. And as soon as it was recognized as abusive behaviors, a switch was flipped and it's gone. I don't have this ability, they are still messing with my mind, but now instead of not wanting to bring them up to Husband in fear of him protecting them over me (because he did...for nine years...it was always them over me, because he (we) didn't understand what was really going on). It's now in fear of him not understanding why I can't get them out of my head, when he's the one who's dealt with them for a lifetime, and they are his family. It only seems logical that I should be able to just move on and settle in. But I feel frozen in time and I can't move forward because they hang over me and micromanage my every thought and movement. And Husband is frustrated when I make an off-hand comment about them, and not wanting me to bring their negativity into our home, not realizing that they are there all the time for me, pulling me into a dark place.

It's tricky. And I'm not quite sure on this one. How, once you've said your piece, and broken contact, and the abuse stops...how to then release yourself from them emotionally and break contact mentally.

There is wonderful advice out there. And great relateable memes. And excellent research. But putting it into practice doesn't seem to be working for me.

Any thoughts? Experiences? What helps you break away mentally and emotionally after the physical break has been made but the abuse seems to haunt you?

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Musing #46--SPD/SID

After literally months of bedrest, Dale came two months early. He was a large preemie. But still an itty bitty baby. Now, you'd never guess. He's a tank.

There was something always a little bit off. He walked a bit after what I thought was 'normal.' Talked in a language only I could understand (even Husband needed a translator). And didn't seem to develop at a rate that I thought he should. Everyone, pediatricians included, told me to chill out and be patient. That kids will be kids and develop at their own rate and I needed to let him just figure things out. Especially as a preemie, that he was doing great...just look how healthy he was!

In my gut I knew things were just a titch off. Not majorly, but there was something that wasn't connecting.

Well, the adhd testing is still needing insurance approval, but in the meantime we recently got the official diagnosis of SPD or SID. His was Sensory Integration Disorder but some call it Sensory Processing Disorder.

Basically everything that is so frustrating with him is because of this. All of his social issues, classroom issues, development issues, everything that I get so frustrated and just think 'you are such a bright/thoughtful kid! Why doesn't this tiny thing click for you too!?!' is because of this disorder. It all makes sense. Finally an answer.

There are so many intricate parts to it, but one thing the OT said to explain a large part of it was, 'imagine you put your hand in your pocket. Without looking, you can feel the difference between your chapstick and a rock, and a sticker. He can't do that. His senses don't work like that.'

Here is a really helpful website to explain more about SPD/SID
https://www.spdstar.org/

Nobody wants a disorder for their child. It was difficult having it all laid out in front of me of what he is deficient in to function properly. Luckily, he is still young enough that with proper interventions, we can 'train' him and help his brain learn the things it isn't connecting on right now.

And if he comes back with an adhd diagnosis as well, we'll tackle that when it comes too. But in the meantime, we're going to work on this. He's such a great kid. So thoughtful, so happy, so smart. It's time his peers and teachers and others see it too, and not let a disorder hold him back.


Wednesday, October 26, 2016

It's here

Our faucet arrived!
Picture on facebook or instagram
We are purchasing our kitchen remodel piece by piece as we can. And the first piece is the faucet. It's beautiful.

You can follow me on either of those sites for quick picture-updates. It's easier for me than sitting down and uploading things to the computer regularly. Though I'm trying to be better about regular blogging. 

I feel like a happy dance is in order. Now we just need new flooring, cabinetry, a sink, a wall knocked down, lighting, a table (we're currently using a camping table), counter tops, a fridge that seals and then we can use this beauty! 

Come on tax return!

 


Musing #45--No Paper Plates, but Still Thankful



Well we wanted to say thank you to all the main players in our yard clean up. There were so many who came and moved a couple rocks and pulled a few plants and it was amazing, that we could never repay them all. And that was the whole point. Service isn't supposed to be repaid so, some had to suffice with just a 'We are so grateful.' But there were others, who came and gave a large part of their Saturday to us. In a way that I am in awe. And to them, we couldn't even repay...but again...that isn't why they did it. But I wanted to express my appreciation anyway. So, I did what I could do.

I baked.

My mom's cinnamon rolls are generally a massive hit. I haven't ever met anyone who didn't like them. They are sweet enough for the sweet tooth, but not so sweet that those 'non-sugar' people don't like them.

After they were all baked up I realized that we didn't have any paper plates. And I've delivered enough goodies in my life to know that even the most well-meaning of people have the hardest time returning dishes. Life just gets busy for everyone. So, I just don't give out my dishes.

What was I to do? No paper plates, and cinnamon rolls to deliver. It was a Sunday, and as the Lord's day we'll go hiking and enjoy his creations and things like that, but as a general rule as a family we've chosen to not shop on the Lord's day.

Well, we had to get creative. We had cereal boxes. So I lined them, 'fall-i-fied' them, and put the cinnamon rolls in.


(The kidlets like to scramble my HARVEST letters)





I actually think they are cuter and more festive than paper plates.





I am so grateful for the work that was done in the yard. It is such a burden off our minds, and such a jump-start to our spring make-over. Now we just need to save up for some fruit trees! Shade trees! And flowers!

Happy creativity!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Musing #44--My Birthday, Tree Stumps, Boots, and of course...Malignant Narcissists

It was my birthday recently.

Now typically with my birthday Husband's parents will make a big fuss about how they try and try and never can do anything right and I never appreciate their gifts or when they call (usually a few times during the day when Husband doesn't answer the first time...they leave a message, then keep calling incessantly) then when Husband finally answers they act all apologetic as if they are so sorry to interrupt our day but they just love me so much and feel so bad I don't feel welcomed and just wanted to wish me happy birthday to let me know how loved I am. Which would be wonderful, if it weren't all a manipulative game of theirs.

Since our...what should I call it...time in hell? When everything came out and Husband saw what was going on, and I could finally put names to what I knew wasn't right...I have realized so many things. And find their behaviors both disturbing, and fascinating (mostly because it proves that for 10 years, I wasn't the crazy one...and many people--myself included at times--thought I was).

For ten years Husband's parents did everything they possibly could to discredit me in every way to Husband, and anyone really. Discredit me as a mother, as a hard worker, as a person with integrity, as a good human in general. All under the narcissistic guise of them being the victims of whatever situations they create of course.

And, it worked on some scale. Tensions boiled high in our marriage to the point that we were seriously talking divorce. Had I not been clear across the country with no friends or family to speak of...surrounded by people who knew and worshiped the Narcissists...I would have left. Husband also believed their manipulations (he was conditioned from childhood to do so) that I was to blame. And if I could just be kinder, more forgiving, more generous, more_______fill-in-the-blank, that the problems in his family of origin could be solved. Any problem came around to me being the root issue. I was their scapegoat. And they milked that for everything it was worth, painting themselves as the saints and the victims at the same time. That they would be willing to forgive me...should I ever ask it (translation...should I ever allow them to control me they'd be happy to stop the lies)

It wasn't until we were in the middle of it that Husband saw what was going on and, for himself saw what they were doing and had the moral strength and courage to stand up to them and say 'woah guys...it's you...and even me...it's not her. It's been you all along. And I've been blind to it. Stop blaming her and face your own problems that you've created for yourself.' (That was a summary) And boy did they rage. Oh man. Did. They. RAGE!

Now, they act as if I don't even exist. Their focus is regaining control of Husband. They are working overtime on that. And IF I am mentioned, it is only as an effort to prove their point, or milk their manipulations. In addition, they are trying to claim my children as if they don't have a mother.

Meanwhile, it was my birthday. And since they are sending all their correspondence to my parents, because that is the only address they have, they have to keep up their image and acknowledge me for that purpose. My card says. 'Hope all is well.' So the facade was kept, my parents saw the effort of a birthday card...I got a 'you don't exist to us anymore because everything is still your fault.' card.

It is so sick and twisted. It is so obvious. I am just sickened by them...and yet they have so much blasted control over my mind right now. Curse them!

In an effort to stay positive and not spiral into bitterness, I try and focus on other things. For instance, the stump.













This massive thing is a problem and has to be removed.


We are living past paycheck to paycheck right now and Husband has been working at it with an axe. He's done magnificent job, but it wasn't going anywhere. Last Saturday a swarm of members from our church showed up, one with a backhoe, and cleared all our flowerbeds (They were overgrown and a mess filled with rusted rubble and broken pottery and wood...it would have taken us months) and removed this guy as well as about 6 other stumps. I am beyond emotional and grateful for their kind service.


Especially the reminder of good people, who do good things, who help me want to be a better and kinder person and not give Husband's parents the satisfaction of becoming bitter and selfish.

There are wonderful people in the world. I hope to become one of them. With examples like this...it is a whole lot easier to see my goal.

Also, it is rainy and windy...and I get to wear my red boots. Who can be sad when wearing red boots? Remember the teacup pig wearing red boots? I love red boots!


Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Musing #43--Quick and Easy Asian Stir Fry and Garlic Parmesan Noodles

Goodness gracious life has gotten away from me.

My to do list is miles long, and I complete maybe an eighth of it each day. Chips kidney infection that wiped her out for over a week--poor thing--took it's toll on her and all of our routine. It was around the clock medicine and TLC.

It was rough. I'm not going to lie. Seeing your little one go through so much pain. And wishing you could take it from them.

Don't worry though, I got the chance to feel a fraction of her pain. I mentioned it on facebook. I got the anchor for a tooth implant placed. Holy mackerel...

Anyway, life is speeding by at a painful rate, but we still need to eat.

This is one of my go to recipes. The veggie and sauce part comes in a huge bag from Sam's Club with lots of veggies and two bags of sauce, so we split it into two meals. But the secret is in the garlic Parmesan noodles. I mean how many small boys do you know walk into the kitchen and ask what's for dinner and jump up and down yelling 'YUMMY! YAY!' when the answer is stir fry?  Mine does. A large part is the yummy sauce and variety of veggies, and the other part is the yummy noodles. They are super easy, and adds a whole extra dimension.
So, this is the veggies and sauce. Yum.


I cook up a bit of chicken with fresh ground pepper and some sea salt (I made that pepper mill...kinda cute huh?) Let cook with the lid on to keep the moisture in.


While the chicken is cooking. Start some water boiling with a titch of olive oil and sea salt.


Add the noodles once the water reaches a rolling boil


Then chop up the chicken. It should be pretty tender.


Add half the bag of veggies and stir around. Heat through, but don't 'cook.'


Add the packet of yummy yummy sauce and stir in. Veggies should be cooked until bright in color. As soon as they start turning dark, they are overcooked. The sauce makes this a bit tricky because it turns them a little dark, but you can still tell when they are just right. Don't let them get soggy and overcooked.

It looks really yellow with the sauce, but you can see the brightness still in the carrots especially.


Back to the noodles. Drain water and add a titch more olive oil. Garlic salt, parsley, and parmesan cheese to taste.




Stir and serve with stir fried veggies and chicken. We use these noodles for everything. They are really versatile and so yummy and easy.



Enjoy. I hope life for you is a bit slower in pace than it's been around here. One great thing though, is that the faster pace doesn't give us much time to dwell on the past...we just keep moving forward. We'll have to address stuff at some point, but right now, we just keep going.

Have a beautiful day!
Do you have any go to, quick and easy recipes that you love?