Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Musing #11--Eye Roll

Husband gets this look when he's super frustrated with me. Or thinks what I'm saying is stupid. It's not quite an eye roll, but it can't really be called anything else. 
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I called him on it today. Said without emotion, 'Thanks for that eye roll. Sure appreciate it.' He didn't like that. 
I wish sometimes before we hit that moment when the switch flips and he rolls his eyes at me and I turn into a BRAT that I could say something along the lines of, 'what you just said implies ________ about me. I'm dealing with ___________ with your family. There is a correlation between the two, so if you wouldn't mind to change it up, I feel incredibly crush-like-bug-ged by that one statement that I'm sure you didn't mean to throw heartlessly in my face, but alas...Here I'm am feeling like you took a bunch of needles to my happy yellow balloon of a day. So maybe you could clarify what you just said. Or if you really meant it like it sounded...PREPARE FOR BATTLE!' Or something along those lines. Instead, I replied in a way that made sense in my head, but I'm sure was out of the blue for him...enter eye roll....which always makes me feel:
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So I had hoped to report goodness today--I tried really hard to be blunt when things throughout the day triggered something (things=in-laws), but was careful about it. So I laid it all out there, and it went well. *throw confetti everyone* Alas, the day still ends with me feeling like that...huh. Go figure.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Musing #10--I gotta laugh

So. I can only handle so much drama before I explode. I'm about to explode. So I typed in 'funny things' to Google and decided I would share the first 10 things that made me either smile, chuckle, or out right laugh in honor of my tenth post. (Keep in mind the mood I've been in, and give my real sense of humor a break...)
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Half way there! (Have I lost all respect yet? Ah least we had a good smile, or chuckle, or laugh.)
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So there you have it. Some drama-less, smile-bringing pictures. (Don't know that I laughed out loud to any of them, but I smiled at all of them, and snorted out air at a day ya?)

Musing #9--Not Important

WARNING: This Musing may be more of a rant...
Lets backup a bit here. Three years ago I started having some serious health issues. They laid me pretty flat for awhile. And Husband took on a lot of my roles. I was grateful. Then I started to get better. He kept taking on my roles and would baby me...out of the goodness of his heart I realize, and he wanted to take care of me, yes, but now he throws it in my face often how much he sacrificed without any appreciation from me. (I'm a little hazy on that part...I remember saying thank you...and remember the article...some of the things he took care of I didn't even realize were on the top of the list, and laundry, I would get around to, but he took over folding during basketball games, so I assumed he enjoyed doing it...because he said he a TON of miscommunication happened so he could feel like a martyr and throw it in my face a whole bunch now and make me feel like I did nothing and treated him like trash and danced in muddy shoes on a floor he just vacuumed or something with the only strength I could muster that day.)
Enter Scene...whatever...Act...who can even count that high. (Yesterday morning)
I can't wake up on my own...still battling some things and take meds at night, they make it so getting up at a reasonable hour isn't possible. So I take a quarter to a half of a caffeine tablet because I have to get up. Well Husband was ragging on me Two days ago about how much he needed my help in the morning. 'Why didn't you come get me? I WANT to help. I WANT to be there, but I can't get up. If you need me come tell me. I'll take caffeine and get up.' He defends himself then gets on me again for not being there. Ok, I got off track again...NOW it's Yesterday morning. He comes in, says something about what's happening that morning. I pop up (as much as one can--drugged and sluggish, I'm sure it looked to Husband like I was annoyed and lazy) to take caffeine and he says 'eh, don't worry about it. It's not important today.' (With some major attitude)
So, now here I sit. Yesterday was a bust. I was mulling over that all day. Are things I do only important when he says they are? Is my help only important when he thinks it is? Am I only important when he thinks I am? 
He didn't even bother me this morning so I waaay slept in. I know it makes me sound like a teenager. And I do try. I have alarms up the wazoo, but without the caffeine, I'm useless...He probably thinks so too. Maybe it wasn't important for me to be around today either. 

Friday, January 22, 2016

Musing #8--To share or not to share

I came across another article that I really enjoyed. It talked about both sides of the issue, but it was written by a man who gets it (albeit a moment later than I think he wanted to). 
Now after the massive issue the last article I shared with Husband caused (It's what started this whole blog...musing about that confrontation and being so confused, I needed to write things down to keep it all straight.) do I share this one with him? It is written by a man after all...that makes a difference to a man right? 
The title is "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink" You know it's going to be good with a title like that! (No, but really. It's quite insightful into the psyche of the male--one who is insightful of the wife...)

Just because I'm a glutton for punishment and argument apparently, I'll share it. Stay tuned for the monster truck rally it'll cause. But mostly because maybe, maybe, this will be the thing that clicks. That opens conversation for both of us to really talk and hear...without me coming across as a nag or a hag or need a gag...or him jumping automatically to thinking a statement about our car smelling like gasoline we got for a generator has something to do with his family and my issues with them...
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Anyway. So that's why I'll share it. Yes, it will probably blow up. And we'll argue about it. Why? I have absolutely know idea, but it will bring up something from the past that I did or didn't do right and that will be awesome and I'll probably strike back to defend myself. But I can always hope. Because if I don't...why even try? Why not divorce now and save us all the trouble? (Because...I don't give up...not yet at least...An amazing marriage is in here somewhere.)
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Musing #7--I know you are but what am I?

Anyone else think Marriage is like a psycho roller coaster. I'm here:
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Then here:
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In a matter of seconds...
Then I ask a question. Not related at all to anything (*cough* in-laws...) And WHAM! His defense mode kicks in. Attack the wife team gets off the bench and plays full court press (because apparently he thinks my life revolves around insulting his family and everything I say MUST be about them) and I'm sitting here like:
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My goodness:
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Now lets refocus and get you a job man!

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Musing #6--Lemons

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Well we cycled back to defensive mode. Major. Then with a 5 minute phone call our lives flipped upside down. Husband lost his job. 
In moments and times like these couples are either torn farther apart with fighting and stress (understandably so...holy whack-a-moly talk about stressful), or drawn together. We are the latter. We work together to solve the problem and figure it out. 
Bonus! We find a job...we get out of the in-laws with a get out of jail free card...They can't question why we are leaving sooner than our agreed upon-to-help-them-out date. We are no longer in a flexible position to help. BOO-YAH!
Another bonus, we don't have a mortgage or utilities to stress about while figuring out our next step. 
As we sat staring at each other dumbfounded over this...he was an integral part of those inner cogs in the company, I felt peace. Like I haven't in our marriage for a long time. 
We would figure it out. We would figure it out together, And we'd break out the sugar like we always have when life throws lemons at us. 
It just took something real happening to show how petty and unreal all the obnoxious things were. And we were going to get out of the toxic situation we were in with a GREAT excuse! 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Musing #5--Perspective

I was reading a book [Behind Every Good Man] a couple nights ago and it was saying how men are simple (it was written by a I feel like it's fair to reference it without people going ninja on equal rights/opportunities/whatever on me) and honey-do lists are overwhelming so they don't often attempt them and then women take over leadership rolls because they feel like the men never does anything, which takes away their man card. (Waaaaaay paraphrased) Men need one task, exits and outs, and time limits. I felt this was a little ridiculous and patronizing to the men, like they can handle a list of to dos, but whatever...he's a guy he probably knows. If you want something done give them the expected time, the amount of time you expect from them, and then lots of praise when they complete the task, let them be your hero. Ok, well I can do most of that. I didn't baby talk to my babies. (Don't get me wrong, I adore scrumptious cheeks and rubberband wrists as much as the next mom, but I'm not going to drop my 'Rs' just because I'm talking to a darling mini human) And I'm not going to over praise him for hanging curtains that have been sitting there for weeks...because that is just fake to me. (Oh ya, that was my experiment on this...the curtains that have been sitting there for weeks) I was pep talking myself into "Hey, can you use a few minutes of your lunch break to hang these curtains today please?" Because that just seemed too easy...THEY'VE BEEN SITTING THERE FOR--you to trip over after days of nagging for--TWO WEEKS! I had all but talked myself out of it, because I was frustrated with having to baby him into hanging the curtains when I ran into these gems on facebook...all of them...right in a about ten more.

The Facebook had spoken. I figured, here goes nothing. And asked him to do the curtains during his lunch. He did them. I said 'Thanks, they look great.' Not mountains of mushy praise, but a genuine thanks. And BOOM! His attitude toward me changed. I didn't have to nag. (Relief to both of us) He had my expectation--curtains up during lunch. And like the book said, it wasn't going to be unknown hours of his time--he had a job, a set time, and an exit, and, BONUS he felt appreciated. What the what? 
Last night he brought me my ice water with lemon and a cinnamon roll and a salad throughout my projecting after the kids were in bed. From curtains? I'm astonished. Really. I need another project for him so I can try this out again!

Oh the pig? Ya, nothing to do with anything, but come on...a teacup pig in miniature red rainboots...who can resist that? No one, the answer is no one!