Sunday, January 24, 2016

Musing #9--Not Important

WARNING: This Musing may be more of a rant...
Lets backup a bit here. Three years ago I started having some serious health issues. They laid me pretty flat for awhile. And Husband took on a lot of my roles. I was grateful. Then I started to get better. He kept taking on my roles and would baby me...out of the goodness of his heart I realize, and he wanted to take care of me, yes, but now he throws it in my face often how much he sacrificed without any appreciation from me. (I'm a little hazy on that part...I remember saying thank you...and remember the article...some of the things he took care of I didn't even realize were on the top of the list, and others...like laundry, I would get around to, but he took over folding during basketball games, so I assumed he enjoyed doing it...because he said he did...so a TON of miscommunication happened so he could feel like a martyr and throw it in my face a whole bunch now and make me feel like I did nothing and treated him like trash and danced in muddy shoes on a floor he just vacuumed or something with the only strength I could muster that day.)
Enter Scene...whatever...Act...who can even count that high. (Yesterday morning)
I can't wake up on my own...still battling some things and take meds at night, they make it so getting up at a reasonable hour isn't possible. So I take a quarter to a half of a caffeine tablet because I have to get up. Well Husband was ragging on me Two days ago about how much he needed my help in the morning. 'Why didn't you come get me? I WANT to help. I WANT to be there, but I can't get up. If you need me come tell me. I'll take caffeine and get up.' He defends himself then gets on me again for not being there. Ok, I got off track again...NOW it's Yesterday morning. He comes in, says something about what's happening that morning. I pop up (as much as one can--drugged and sluggish, I'm sure it looked to Husband like I was annoyed and lazy) to take caffeine and he says 'eh, don't worry about it. It's not important today.' (With some major attitude)
So, now here I sit. Yesterday was a bust. I was mulling over that all day. Are things I do only important when he says they are? Is my help only important when he thinks it is? Am I only important when he thinks I am? 
He didn't even bother me this morning so I waaay slept in. I know it makes me sound like a teenager. And I do try. I have alarms up the wazoo, but without the caffeine, I'm useless...He probably thinks so too. Maybe it wasn't important for me to be around today either. 

4 comments:

  1. So are you dealing with a mildly manipulative/controlling/emotionally abusive spouse? I'm just gonna flat out ask because I have plenty of comments about that building up, too.

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    1. Thanks for flat out asking! After everything, I appreciate honesty for sure. I think he was. Without knowing it. The culture he was raised in was one of control and manipulation, so he 'inadvertently' learned those behaviors. By nature he is probably the most generous, honest, and kind people I know. So, as we learned about what was going on with his family--he saw those behaviors in himself and was mortified. Which is why the kids and I stayed. He started doing everything to not become his parents. We fall backwards, but he is adamant he will not let his narcissistic tendencies due to the culture of the way he was raised be who he is. I don't know if that makes sense.

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  2. That makes perfect sense because that has been my husband's motivation, as well.

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    1. Bless him! It is not an easy thing to turn your back on who you were raised to be--for good or bad.

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