Friday, September 9, 2016

Musing #18--Funerals and Narcissists

Husband's grandma died last night.

It's been interesting as we have come to the realization that it will be more respectful for us not to attend the funeral. We will go as a family and pay our respects to her at her grave site after all is said and done.
We've learned a lot about narcissism over the last year, and the toxicity that it brings. Husband's family (his dad in particular) is full of narcissists. We are not professionals, by any stretch of the imagination, but have learned a ton about what a narcissist is, how it has affected Husband, our relationship, our kids, and why we've chosen to end contact with his family while we heal.
This little picture gives a good Cliff's Notes version:

But it really is so much more damaging. Actual abuse is involved. Gaslighting abuse. Emotional abuse. Psychological abuse. It's bad.
So, because of the spectacle it will be to just even have Husband's dad there (as well as his extended family...it's quite a bunch) and then if we were to show up, after having no contact for a while...you see the predicament? It would take the focus off of the true reason to be there as everyone would descend on us, and we just can't do that to the memory of his grandma. (The situation is even more involved than just having a narcissist for a FIL). It would be disrespectful.
So I was just musing about how different our lives are after the last year. How much we learned while living amid the toxicity. I never would have thought it important to learn about narcissism of all things. Wasn't he just a Greek Mythology character after all? But in reality learning about narcissism has brought so much understanding to husband and I. If you have any questions about it. I again, am no doctor or professional, but I have researched a ton, and could hopefully point you in a good direction for information. I would love to chat about it. Understanding starts somewhere, and improvement starts with understanding. musingmiddlywed@gmail.com

6 comments:

  1. I came across you from your post on Lisa Leonard's blog, and was intrigued by what you said. When I saw you had a link, i followed.

    Spot on. Narcissistic personality disorder gives you no alternative but to cut ties for the sake of your own emotional health. There is no boundary they won't cross, and they don't care about the resulting damage to the victim.

    "Grandma," from her new vantage point, knows and understands this.

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    1. Thank you. I believe she does.
      And I am continually amazed at what they will do. It just does not make sense some times that people can actually treat others in such a way. But they do. And now that we know what it is, we can handle it accordingly.

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  2. We've been mostly no contact with my hubby's parents for two years now. They won't speak to us. I text them on birthdays and holidays. They ignore me. They ignore all of our kids' birthdays. They've spoken to my husband once or twice. But overall, these are the most peaceful, drama-free two years we've had in our 13 years of marriage. They've told the entire family that the ball is in our court if we want a relationship with them, but they have rebuffed every effort on our part to connect with them. We make a guarded effort, so as not to stoop to their level of childishness. We really don't want them in our lives, or confusing our kids anymore, though.

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    1. I really admire you for even making a guarded effort. Right now we just had to get away and have no contact. Hopefully some day we can regain our footing enough to make guarded, very boundaried efforts.

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  3. Hi,
    I followed you from Lisa Leonard's blog. I envy your ability to be so open with your life.I am currently estranged from numerous family members. I just had to decide to remove toxic people and their behavior from my life. So sad! I believe I will be frequenting your blog :)
    Stay strong and blessings to you and yours.

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    1. Hi Ruth! I'm sorry to hear you are estranged from family members. It's so hard! But I'm so happy for you to not have that toxicity in your life. What a weight lifted from you! Blessings to you and yours as well!

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