Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Musing #28--Doers vs Philosophers

Before getting sick, my parents were in town. And for us that means PROGRESS! With all capital letters, ten exclamation points, shouting, whatever you can think of that means tons of stuff getting done.

(Including figuring out how we can ventilate our squatty attic so it can ventilate our house. Dad just knows stuff. Go Husband!...he did NOT fit up there. I've never seen him shaken from claustrophobia before)

I've always had this theory about Husband's family vs my family. My family are 'Doers.' Something needs to get done, and you jump right in. If a problem arises, you solve it as it comes, but the main thing is progress. See something happen. Make something happen. DO something.

Husband's family is made up of Philosophers. They can sit around and talk about a project, analyzing all the problems they could possibly run into backwards and forwards, insideout and upsidedown until they are making up problems that they will never run into, but want to talk about anyway. They never get around to DOing anything, but feel well accomplished that they have talked about it and are the only people to have ever figured it out and are the only ones to know the best way to get it done and everyone else is wrong.

Enter Husband and I. In the beginning, I was always so frustrated because nothing would seem to get done. He would research things while I was there saying, 'so, do you want the blue one or the green?' 'Should we put it here or here?' etc. We just didn't know how to work together. I wanted progress, he wanted problems addressed before they had a chance to arise. It was just the cultures we were raised in.

When I finally realized what was going on, I could take a step back and let him research, a little bit, and then require some progress, knowing that if we could figure out how to combine the two, we'd make a great team.

It took us a long while, though, before working together with things was a reality. (Like, in the last couple months of our 10+ years of marriage)  The nature of his childhood and growing up years was in an atmosphere that was not conducive to individuality or individual thought. With narcissistic parents who victimize themselves with the emotional, psychological, and gaslighting abuse it was an additional hurdle for us to realize and overcome in working together. It took us realizing what his parents were doing, and he is still coming to terms with that, but understanding the harm it causes himself, our marriage, and our family has made a huge difference.

It's been great as he's become a little more of a do-er and I've become a little more of a think-er and together we are getting a lot more done.  

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