Monday, October 3, 2016

Musing #37--Malignant Narcissism and PTSD

I've had some pretty severe health issues for years. I've seen a neurologist for the last 4 or 5 years and we have gone through so many test to find answers. I've had blood work. CAT scans. MRIs. I have been a pharmaceutical pin cushion like you wouldn't believe. To the point where I was on 10 different medications and all the side effects were warring with each other making me even more sick.

One appointment stands out in my mind (and I went there at a minimum, monthly for 3 of those 4 years) and Doctor was kind of baffled--which didn't happen often, he is an incredible doctor. I am a healthy person. Most everything about me is healthy, except for this mysterious thing that we can find no answer for, that causes such debilitating pain and wipes me out. As a mother, I was desperate for answers, so we kept searching. In this particular appointment he told me my symptoms mimic that of soldiers who come back from years of war with severe PTSD, with a system overloaded with cortisol, the stress hormone. I was embarrassed and guilty that my symptoms and struggles would be compared to people who were serving our country and putting so much on the line and I felt like there had to be other answers for something that seemed almost imaginary to me. We followed a different lead and found some good answers that helped with the pain, but not the severe fatigue and other things that came up.

Then we moved away--into toxicity--and answers about narcissism came flying at us at a rate faster than we could handle. My pain, and a large part of the other symptoms went away. I am still on a couple medications, I was not miraculously healed or anything, but bodies are incredible things, and until my mind could catch up, it was taking the brunt of all the abuse and processing it, without the brain.

I'm not diagnosing myself. I don't know that I have PTSD. That is something that is very serious. I know that my body mimics many of the symptoms, and this little meme that I found on Pinterest really hits home. I don't know how to describe what's going on with me. I can't explain things right now. I feel like I don't know which way is up. My brain is not functioning like it should, and my body isn't either. So, I feel like I have a lot of research ahead of me. But I can't help but wonder if the narcissistic abuse I endured put my body into such a defensive mode for so many years that it is showing signs of PTSD.

In the meantime. Husband has suggested that as a family we need to get out of ourselves and serve others. Not in our church or the school--we do this a lot already. Those are very visible places. But find some place to serve others that isn't visible...a place to serve that is just for us. Our souls to help other souls merely for the benefit of helping others, and serving others. Not to get a gold star or praise from anyone. I love this idea, and I'm currently searching for places that are great opportunities to be nameless volunteers for a great cause.

If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them. Thanks!

#malignantnarcissism #narcissism #ptsd #serveothers #musingsofamiddlywed #musing

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