Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Musing #44--My Birthday, Tree Stumps, Boots, and of course...Malignant Narcissists

It was my birthday recently.

Now typically with my birthday Husband's parents will make a big fuss about how they try and try and never can do anything right and I never appreciate their gifts or when they call (usually a few times during the day when Husband doesn't answer the first time...they leave a message, then keep calling incessantly) then when Husband finally answers they act all apologetic as if they are so sorry to interrupt our day but they just love me so much and feel so bad I don't feel welcomed and just wanted to wish me happy birthday to let me know how loved I am. Which would be wonderful, if it weren't all a manipulative game of theirs.

Since our...what should I call it...time in hell? When everything came out and Husband saw what was going on, and I could finally put names to what I knew wasn't right...I have realized so many things. And find their behaviors both disturbing, and fascinating (mostly because it proves that for 10 years, I wasn't the crazy one...and many people--myself included at times--thought I was).

For ten years Husband's parents did everything they possibly could to discredit me in every way to Husband, and anyone really. Discredit me as a mother, as a hard worker, as a person with integrity, as a good human in general. All under the narcissistic guise of them being the victims of whatever situations they create of course.

And, it worked on some scale. Tensions boiled high in our marriage to the point that we were seriously talking divorce. Had I not been clear across the country with no friends or family to speak of...surrounded by people who knew and worshiped the Narcissists...I would have left. Husband also believed their manipulations (he was conditioned from childhood to do so) that I was to blame. And if I could just be kinder, more forgiving, more generous, more_______fill-in-the-blank, that the problems in his family of origin could be solved. Any problem came around to me being the root issue. I was their scapegoat. And they milked that for everything it was worth, painting themselves as the saints and the victims at the same time. That they would be willing to forgive me...should I ever ask it (translation...should I ever allow them to control me they'd be happy to stop the lies)

It wasn't until we were in the middle of it that Husband saw what was going on and, for himself saw what they were doing and had the moral strength and courage to stand up to them and say 'woah guys...it's you...and even me...it's not her. It's been you all along. And I've been blind to it. Stop blaming her and face your own problems that you've created for yourself.' (That was a summary) And boy did they rage. Oh man. Did. They. RAGE!

Now, they act as if I don't even exist. Their focus is regaining control of Husband. They are working overtime on that. And IF I am mentioned, it is only as an effort to prove their point, or milk their manipulations. In addition, they are trying to claim my children as if they don't have a mother.

Meanwhile, it was my birthday. And since they are sending all their correspondence to my parents, because that is the only address they have, they have to keep up their image and acknowledge me for that purpose. My card says. 'Hope all is well.' So the facade was kept, my parents saw the effort of a birthday card...I got a 'you don't exist to us anymore because everything is still your fault.' card.

It is so sick and twisted. It is so obvious. I am just sickened by them...and yet they have so much blasted control over my mind right now. Curse them!

In an effort to stay positive and not spiral into bitterness, I try and focus on other things. For instance, the stump.

This massive thing is a problem and has to be removed.

We are living past paycheck to paycheck right now and Husband has been working at it with an axe. He's done magnificent job, but it wasn't going anywhere. Last Saturday a swarm of members from our church showed up, one with a backhoe, and cleared all our flowerbeds (They were overgrown and a mess filled with rusted rubble and broken pottery and wood...it would have taken us months) and removed this guy as well as about 6 other stumps. I am beyond emotional and grateful for their kind service.

Especially the reminder of good people, who do good things, who help me want to be a better and kinder person and not give Husband's parents the satisfaction of becoming bitter and selfish.

There are wonderful people in the world. I hope to become one of them. With examples like this...it is a whole lot easier to see my goal.

Also, it is rainy and windy...and I get to wear my red boots. Who can be sad when wearing red boots? Remember the teacup pig wearing red boots? I love red boots!


  1. Girl, I could have written the first five paragraphs of this post a couple years ago. Now they ignore my birthday, all of our children's birthdays, and their own son's birthday (and I'm relieved because I don't have to try to work up enthusiasm or gratitude for manipulation in the form of gifts. Gifts that say, "See how generous we are? You can't say a word about what we say about you or how we treat you because we're so generous! How on earth COULD you do all the mean, awful things to us that you do when we are so generous?")

    I love your red boots (I love red, too), and your determination to not become bitter over this. What better response from us as Christians than to be loving and kind in spite of the hurt we've endured? Bless you for that!

    1. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the encouragement. I'm currently in a spiral. And I'm fighting hard to not...so I cannot tell thank you enough!