Friday, October 28, 2016

Musing #47--Cereal for Dinner

Cereal you guys. We had cereal for dinner.
Husband was working late, and it had been that crazy of a day.

I'm totally fine with crazy days. I think crazy days are wonderful. They show life is being lived and usually productive.

What's getting me right now, as I look around at the dishes undone, and the house a disaster. It doesn't matter that I wasn't home for more than two minutes. I hear Husband's parents in my head...not talking to me...that would be gushy, fluffy, veiled, manipulative crap. But as soon as Husband walks in the door I hear them pounce on him. And, though still gushy and fluffy...not so veiled, ripping me to shreds to him and with a disaster house and cereal for dinner to back them up...I don't have much of a case.

They are constantly in my head. This is my struggle right now. After 10 years of abuse, they aren't currently in our lives except for the occasional letter they send via my parents address, but their abuse is alive and well and constant in my head.

Husband has the uncanny ability to just turn it all off. Which is probably why he didn't turn into one of them. Why, he behaved as he did due to culture, but it wasn't who he was. And as soon as it was recognized as abusive behaviors, a switch was flipped and it's gone. I don't have this ability, they are still messing with my mind, but now instead of not wanting to bring them up to Husband in fear of him protecting them over me (because he did...for nine years...it was always them over me, because he (we) didn't understand what was really going on). It's now in fear of him not understanding why I can't get them out of my head, when he's the one who's dealt with them for a lifetime, and they are his family. It only seems logical that I should be able to just move on and settle in. But I feel frozen in time and I can't move forward because they hang over me and micromanage my every thought and movement. And Husband is frustrated when I make an off-hand comment about them, and not wanting me to bring their negativity into our home, not realizing that they are there all the time for me, pulling me into a dark place.

It's tricky. And I'm not quite sure on this one. How, once you've said your piece, and broken contact, and the abuse stops...how to then release yourself from them emotionally and break contact mentally.

There is wonderful advice out there. And great relateable memes. And excellent research. But putting it into practice doesn't seem to be working for me.

Any thoughts? Experiences? What helps you break away mentally and emotionally after the physical break has been made but the abuse seems to haunt you?

2 comments:

  1. Again, I know exactly what you mean. I hate that either of us understand this at all. We were vulnerable to it because we were blindsided. We didn't grow up with it, and we didn't know that people could be so broken and unreasonable until we were in over our heads. I hope that in two years you are emotionally in the place I am now. I give the situation to God frequently when it rears it's ugly head, through a conversation hubby has with one of his brothers that he decided to share with me, or a sermon that addresses broken relationships. The two years of no contact has helped. The rumor mill has died down because, without seeing us, there's nothing for them to spin, unless they beat the dead horse. Hang in there and pray a lot!

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    1. Thank you! I hate it too. But thank you for your support. It's good to know that it will cycle...even after two years. But it can be easier to manage. And I think what you said is key...to keep giving it to God.

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