Monday, November 21, 2016

Technology's great...Except for when it's not

For some reason, my computer only allows me to access my iphone and its pictures occasionally. I sit down to blog a few times a week, only to not be allowed to access my pictures. It doesn't even acknowledge my phone. So...any tech-y advice is welcome. Otherwise. I apologize for the insanely sporadic posts. In the meantime, enjoy this teacup pig. Because who can be frustrated with technology when there's a teacup pig?

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Musing #55--Crockpot Sweet and Sour Meatballs

I can't even tell you how much I love the crockpot. I search years for a meatball recipe. The gooey sauce kind. I could only find the grape jam kind and I tried it several times hoping that a different bbq or a different jam would make the difference. It didn't. It wasn't the deliciousness I was hoping for. Then BOOM! In my recipe book from my mom of all her favorite recipes there was a sweet and sour meatball recipe that had been there all along. I had had this baby for over 10 years and in my search never thought to look where all great things come from--my mom.
Oh well. I have it now. And now you do too.
The kids call these 'The Special Meatballs' and will down more than is probably healthy. They're good. I promise.

1C Ketchup
1C Water
1/4C Brown Sugar
1/4C Worcestershire Sauce
1/4C Vinegar
1T Celery Seed
1t Chili Powder
1t Salt
1/8t Pepper
few drops of Tabasco (We leave this out...I never have it and I don't think the kids would enjoy them as much...)

Put on top of frozen meatballs in crockpot. Cook on low for 6-8 hours.
(I use Italian meatballs)

Serve over rice


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Musing #52--Sometimes You Have to Take Matters into Your Own Hands

There is nothing to bring you out of a funk like kids. I mean seriously. How can things be grumpy or negative when you come out to a contraption like this because Dale was thirsty and you were helping Chip.
Why would he get a cup when it could be so much more interesting.
The perfect jumpstart to make things more fun and interesting in life and get out of this spiral.
(I can't stop laughing at his creativity)

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Musing #51--Pornography, Second to a Screen

Today I went to the dentist. The sweet hygienist told me I needed to get a gig as Ariel, because not only was my red hair perfect, but I was one of the nicest people she'd met.
I thanked her for her kind comments, but was inwardly thinking--you don't know me very well. Santa's bringing us a punching bag for Christmas for all my pent up spitfire.
This isn't the first time I've been assigned a life of talking animals, singing instead of talking, and swirling butterflies from kind-meaning people. It happens more than you think.

Anyway, my point being, I appreciate that. I try really hard to be kind. But then I retreat in my head, and there's a lot of confusion and anger. Husband gets the brunt of a lot of it. But then again, I feel like maybe, along with his parents, he's created a lot of it.

I've debated whether or not to go into this, because once it's out there, it's out there. But much of my mind has been on this lately, so I guess I'll go into it.

I took my ring off a year ago. My beautiful ring. It wasn't large or overly flashy, but the setting was magnificently lovely, and perfectly unique, I loved my ring. But I refused to wear it for another minute. It meant nothing anymore...merely a chunk of white gold and diamonds.

Sure. It had to do with the spiraling of Husband and I. But when Husband came to me and told me he had been addicted to Pornography for 7 years of our marriage, I looked at my ring, and all it symbolized was a lie. It's perfect loveliness was demolished. Those diamonds turned back into coal within an instant and I was sickened by it. I would look at family pictures over that seven year period and feel nauseated. Memories I had thought were so happy. Were now tainted with a sheen of blackened filth.

My heart shattered. Our already tipping marriage was broken. And I took off my once beautiful ring.

Had we not been clear across the country and me with no friends or family (the people living around us were all team Husband's parents--under their manipulation and facade) I would have taken the kids and left. As it was, we separated within the house and (whether for right or wrong) acted fine for the kids (we couldn't fool them...they are way too perceptive...but we tried anyway), to not add to their mounting struggles from the Narcissistic Abuse from Husband's family. And we prepared to get away as a family and see if we could pick up the shattered pieces or if it was better to go our separate ways.

I could face the abuse. I had had a boyfriend in high school who was psychologically abusive. And apparently I'm a good target for it. In my research, I'm learning I'm too empathetic and they prey on that...Awesome.

I studied abuse, I knew how to combat it now.

I didn't know how to face or deal with a husband who had lied, and been unfaithful to me for seven years. I didn't know how to mend a pulverized heart. I already didn't trust easily...and now... I didn't know how to do that either.

The guilt and stupidity of seven years ate at me. I pushed it away and protected my family from abuse.

The anger and bitterness at his selfishness burned in me. I tamped it down and I protected my family from the abuse.

Worthlessness and ugliness swallowed me, I masked it and protected my family from the narcissistic abuse.

It's been over 5 months with no contact with the abusers. My kidlets are safe. They are happy. They are healthy. They are thriving. And that guilt, stupidity, anger, bitterness, worthlessness, and ugliness that I couldn't face has nothing to be second in priority to and is swallowing me whole.

I check Husband's phone, email, facebook--1)because I don't trust him, and 2)because if I find anything, ANYTHING abusive from them, I can focus on that...I don't have to face this soul-crushing thing that I didn't have the guts, ability, or knowledge to face before.

He's been 'clean' or whatever for over a year...but now as I try to heal this part of our broken family I'm at a roadblock. How do I move on from being second to a screen?
Image source

This journey has been a lonely one. I'd love to journey with friends. Please follow this blog or you can follow me on facebook and we can journey together. Whatever you are going through (everybody has their stuff). Let's journey together.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Musing #50--Finally! I needed a brain break...

Whew! We made it to a '10.' Which can only mean one thing.

LAME MEMES! To hopefully bring a smile to someone's face...more hopefully yours.

The rules of my game are I go on Pinterest and the first 10 things to make me smile, chuckle, giggle, or possibly laugh out loud get posted.

So sah ich aus, als @Tamy1403. mich auf eine Achterbahn bewegte. Sie: Freu. Ich: Angst.:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahhaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah! My stomach hurts!:

30 Funny Animal Memes <a class="pintag" href="/explore/Animals/" title="#Animals explore Pinterest">#Animals</a> <a class="pintag" href="/explore/Funny/" title="#Funny explore Pinterest">#Funny</a> animals                                                                                                                                                     More

Monday Memes: Let It Go - My No-Guilt Life @geekgirl8 haha grumpy cat hates frozen!::

So if it is sugar free what is in that pack :O - epic fail sugar bag with no sugar sign haha:

30 Funny Pictures for Today If You'd like, click the link to see more like this:

funny animal memes, animal pictures with captions, lolcats                                                                                                                                                     More

Nerd Out On 28 Funny Pictures Check more at

Really funny Tumblr memes that get dogs just right : theCHIVE:

Again...there's no rhyme or reason to any of it. I just sometimes need to laugh...or just smile...or chuckle. Whatever it is. I hope one of them at least lifted something in you for a moment. Life gets heavy sometimes.

Have a beautiful day!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Musing #49--What Narcissistic Abuse Does

In my pit of despair (Is that from Princess Bride?) I've been trying to figure out what is causing it all.

Sure our roof has to be replaced and isn't covered by home warranty or never is. The sellers were crooks and covered things up beautifully.

Sure we were victims of identity theft recently.

But really, what was at the root of my spiral. And it all leads back to this feeling of worthlessness that is really instilled by the discrediting of Husband's parents and thereby believed by Husband for so long. That when he tries to say otherwise now, I don't believe him. I don't know if he believes him. At the moment...we are at odds. So, it's hard to believe words.

So, I am trying to understand Narcissistic Abuse even MORE. To get this awful feeling to go away.

I'm reading legit books for sure. But these sure sum up all the research really well:

Educate yourself. A recovery from narcissistic sociopath relationship abuse.:
link to source

A part of her heart...:
link to source

if a man expects a woman to be an angel, he must create heaven for her, angel's don't live in hell:
link to source (link was broken when I found it)

Nikita Gill …:
link to source

Narcissistic Grandparents - great blog:
link to source

We'll stop there for now. Just some things that have been on my mind. As my mind swirls, so do my words. These are short and to the point.

Narcissists suck, and their abuse lingers, even after they are cut out. Cut them out as soon as you suspect something. You can always ease them back into your life as you are ready and prepared to do so, and fully aware of who and what they are. But do not allow them to tear you apart, then deal with the aftermath and try to figure it out as you go. Cut them out, figure it all out, and if you choose to, let them back in on your terms. (But I wouldn't recommend it. Narcissists don't change. Not for anyone.)

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Musing #48--Purpose Spiraling

I've been having a hard time finding a purpose lately.

This isn't one of those inspiring posts that goes viral because it makes everyone feel their own individual purpose as they read it.

I'm really soul searching. And coming up short.

I do the dishes (sometimes)--because that's hygienic. I do the laundry (usually)--because we need clean clothes. But beyond that, who am I really?

My kids roll their eyes at me more often than not.

Husband is frustrated because my dreams for the house exceed his income. So I dial it in and he's frustrated at me because I'm not telling him what I want.

I don't contribute financially so I feel guilty anytime I spend anything--including for groceries.
Husband tells me to not worry about it. Then the next day he's telling me we're going to be in the red. How am I not supposed to worry about that? I spent the money! And didn't contribute to it!

Husband says I'm teaching the kidlets invaluable things, but then in the middle of my 'teaching' he'll roll his eyes, get frustrated at me for being to hard on them, or swoop in to save them, or tell me to ease up, or he'll finish sweeping the floor instead of letting them learn to use the broom so that next time it's an even bigger fight.

It's just this string of words for my actions, but then actions against all the words. I'm so confused about how I really fit in here.

Meanwhile, a constant string of taunting, condescending attacks on my character run through my mind minutely from Husband's parents. Husband doesn't want to hear it. He's blocked them from his mind.

I just don't know.

And thus we enter a spiral. I'll try not to post while in this's pretty annoying to read someone spiraling. Hopefully, I can post when I figure out how to climb out of the spiral and have some great insights of how I climbed out. Timeline unknown. It's usually a spiral down and a steep and winding staircase up...takes a lot longer to get out of it than it does to get in it.