Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Musing #48--Purpose Spiraling

I've been having a hard time finding a purpose lately.

This isn't one of those inspiring posts that goes viral because it makes everyone feel their own individual purpose as they read it.

I'm really soul searching. And coming up short.

I do the dishes (sometimes)--because that's hygienic. I do the laundry (usually)--because we need clean clothes. But beyond that, who am I really?

My kids roll their eyes at me more often than not.

Husband is frustrated because my dreams for the house exceed his income. So I dial it in and he's frustrated at me because I'm not telling him what I want.

I don't contribute financially so I feel guilty anytime I spend anything--including for groceries.
Husband tells me to not worry about it. Then the next day he's telling me we're going to be in the red. How am I not supposed to worry about that? I spent the money! And didn't contribute to it!

Husband says I'm teaching the kidlets invaluable things, but then in the middle of my 'teaching' he'll roll his eyes, get frustrated at me for being to hard on them, or swoop in to save them, or tell me to ease up, or he'll finish sweeping the floor instead of letting them learn to use the broom so that next time it's an even bigger fight.

It's just this string of words for my actions, but then actions against all the words. I'm so confused about how I really fit in here.

Meanwhile, a constant string of taunting, condescending attacks on my character run through my mind minutely from Husband's parents. Husband doesn't want to hear it. He's blocked them from his mind.

I just don't know.

And thus we enter a spiral. I'll try not to post while in this's pretty annoying to read someone spiraling. Hopefully, I can post when I figure out how to climb out of the spiral and have some great insights of how I climbed out. Timeline unknown. It's usually a spiral down and a steep and winding staircase up...takes a lot longer to get out of it than it does to get in it.

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