Thursday, November 10, 2016

Musing #51--Pornography, Second to a Screen

Today I went to the dentist. The sweet hygienist told me I needed to get a gig as Ariel, because not only was my red hair perfect, but I was one of the nicest people she'd met.
I thanked her for her kind comments, but was inwardly thinking--you don't know me very well. Santa's bringing us a punching bag for Christmas for all my pent up spitfire.
This isn't the first time I've been assigned a life of talking animals, singing instead of talking, and swirling butterflies from kind-meaning people. It happens more than you think.



Anyway, my point being, I appreciate that. I try really hard to be kind. But then I retreat in my head, and there's a lot of confusion and anger. Husband gets the brunt of a lot of it. But then again, I feel like maybe, along with his parents, he's created a lot of it.

I've debated whether or not to go into this, because once it's out there, it's out there. But much of my mind has been on this lately, so I guess I'll go into it.

I took my ring off a year ago. My beautiful ring. It wasn't large or overly flashy, but the setting was magnificently lovely, and perfectly unique, I loved my ring. But I refused to wear it for another minute. It meant nothing anymore...merely a chunk of white gold and diamonds.

Sure. It had to do with the spiraling of Husband and I. But when Husband came to me and told me he had been addicted to Pornography for 7 years of our marriage, I looked at my ring, and all it symbolized was a lie. It's perfect loveliness was demolished. Those diamonds turned back into coal within an instant and I was sickened by it. I would look at family pictures over that seven year period and feel nauseated. Memories I had thought were so happy. Were now tainted with a sheen of blackened filth.

My heart shattered. Our already tipping marriage was broken. And I took off my once beautiful ring.

Had we not been clear across the country and me with no friends or family (the people living around us were all team Husband's parents--under their manipulation and facade) I would have taken the kids and left. As it was, we separated within the house and (whether for right or wrong) acted fine for the kids (we couldn't fool them...they are way too perceptive...but we tried anyway), to not add to their mounting struggles from the Narcissistic Abuse from Husband's family. And we prepared to get away as a family and see if we could pick up the shattered pieces or if it was better to go our separate ways.

I could face the abuse. I had had a boyfriend in high school who was psychologically abusive. And apparently I'm a good target for it. In my research, I'm learning I'm too empathetic and they prey on that...Awesome.

I studied abuse, I knew how to combat it now.

I didn't know how to face or deal with a husband who had lied, and been unfaithful to me for seven years. I didn't know how to mend a pulverized heart. I already didn't trust easily...and now... I didn't know how to do that either.

The guilt and stupidity of seven years ate at me. I pushed it away and protected my family from abuse.

The anger and bitterness at his selfishness burned in me. I tamped it down and I protected my family from the abuse.

Worthlessness and ugliness swallowed me, I masked it and protected my family from the narcissistic abuse.

It's been over 5 months with no contact with the abusers. My kidlets are safe. They are happy. They are healthy. They are thriving. And that guilt, stupidity, anger, bitterness, worthlessness, and ugliness that I couldn't face has nothing to be second in priority to and is swallowing me whole.

I check Husband's phone, email, facebook--1)because I don't trust him, and 2)because if I find anything, ANYTHING abusive from them, I can focus on that...I don't have to face this soul-crushing thing that I didn't have the guts, ability, or knowledge to face before.

He's been 'clean' or whatever for over a year...but now as I try to heal this part of our broken family I'm at a roadblock. How do I move on from being second to a screen?
.amen:
Image source

This journey has been a lonely one. I'd love to journey with friends. Please follow this blog or you can follow me on facebook and we can journey together. Whatever you are going through (everybody has their stuff). Let's journey together.

2 comments:

  1. I hate that we have this in common, too. I made this discovery when I was pregnant with our forth child. We'd been married for almost 5 years. It wasn't until a couple years later that I finally got through to him that if he wanted to fantasize over other women he should not have married me. For those years in between he actually tried to blame me. He had an anger management problem and was very verbally abusive (classic, given what I now understand about his family), so I'd avoid him when he got out of control. Which made him angrier and even worse. Which led to intimacy issues. Natural consequences?! Not to him. He could beat me to a pulp with his words and still expect me to please him joyfully when we went to bed the same night. It took me putting the kids in the car and leaving when he was out of town one time for him to actually understand that his behavior was completely unacceptable in a marriage. He quit cold turkey. It took a couple years longer for him to kick the porn addiction. I would snoop and confront him. I don't think our marriage recovered until the 10 year mark. And happily that was when his parents were no longer in the picture too. I was angry for a long time, which is very out of character for me, and completely ambivalent to him. I can't say I'm "more in love with him than ever now", but I can say that by God's grace our marriage was healed, and we have a happy, healthy home now. It might not be right for you, but it is possible. I will be praying for you!

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    1. Oh gosh! I'm so sorry! I appreciate your honesty in the end. Anything that I've seen they all gush about how everything is rosy and beautiful and better than before, and I've struggled with that. Thank you for your view. We are working on it and through it and hopefully with God's grace we can be healed too. It's not there yet, but I believe we can get there. Thank you!

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