Thursday, May 18, 2017

I just don't know

Everything seems to rise and fall around Husbands 'sexual addiction.'

I have been invisible for years. 9 to be exact. My thoughts. My actions. My dreams. Invisible.

Even now, all the recovery programs for women are to learn about the Husband's addiction and how their problem isn't about us, but instead how we can support our husbands though this difficult time of recovery. To learn about the workings of an addicted brain and why pornography or sexual addiction is just like an addiction to heroin and how we should deal with our Husbands as any other sort of addict.

Meanwhile I'm sitting over here with betrayal trauma and PTSD caused by his sexual addiction on my own. Tiptoeing around his mood swings, carefully wording requests so he doesn't feel attacked, withholding questions so he doesn't feel attacked, not explaining myself so he doesn't feel belittled, or trying to understand why he did or didn't do something because my therapist and our marriage counsellor express the importance of empathy and I'm trying my hardest. But then he can't understand why I can't get out of bed in the morning without the aid of 200mg of caffeine and even then sometimes that isn't enough. Or how it literally takes all my energy to get dressed and be in my kids' classrooms to try and be present in their lives so when he comes home you'd better believe I'm past exhausted, the dishes are still dirty in the sink...from two days ago...and the laundry is maybe washed (I'd better be recognized for that if it happens) but not folded...and I most likely am back in bed, but I damned well did the best I could because the voices in my head told me to forget it all because I'm not worth it. Because HE cheated on me with a screen, but he's an addict so it's different than a love affair because his brain has been transformed and it's not about me.

But all that doesn't seem to be important. It appears I'm not trying. And I'm lazy. Even though it took literally EVERYTHING I had to do the smallest thing.

I just don't know folks. I just don't get it. I just don't have the energy in me to be all that empathetic while he gets to sweep everything under the 'addict' rug and pretend like he didn't pick a screen over his wife and then get mad at me for having depression and treating it like its a huge burden to him.

I just don't know.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

It's been awhile

Image result for dandelion puff ball

I've thought a lot about this blog over the last several months and have wanted to post thoughts, but I sunk into a pretty deep depression, and it's been more than difficult to get up to get the kids to school then home to sleep until I have to pick them up again. So the effort to put words into a computer was too much. All energy I had, went into the kids, and even energy I didn't have. My kids are amazing.

With the help of a nutritionist and a neurologist and a psychologist, I am working toward not sleeping every day away, and I have at least one, sometimes two productive days a week now.

Husband and I have been seeing a counsellor. It's been hard. She said something yesterday "I wonder if perhaps fixing a house and fixing a marriage is too much." And she might just be right. She's been good. Slow for me, because I just can't handle much. I've been broken. I have felt my spirit and my heart and my mind break.

We saw the house as a symbol of fixing our marriage. And as we worked together on the house and fixed it, our marriage would also heal...symbolically I guess.
It's not.

We are further apart than when we started. With toxic in-laws and their narcissistic and emotional and psychological abuse, Husband's pornography/sexual addiction and my spiral into a dark depression it is a fight to even care let alone thrive.

So, I'd love to start back into blogging. It may be slow and pretty unremarkable and insignificant.

But, I'm hopeful (like a fool...) that we've hit the bottom (again) and we are on our way up.

Fingers crossed.